let it happen

I felt like I’ve been doing so much better this week…less crying, less time spent reading medical articles for all the outcomes. but when I had a friend over for our kids playdate and was telling her all my preparations and worries–homeschooling the girls this fall, what to bring to the NICU, etc etc etc, she stopped me and said, “you know you can’t control all this, right?”. I think I spent the rest of the playdate just crying–she had other wise words and encouraging words to say, but what struck me the most was that I just need to let this happen.

The day we got the diagnosis (the first horrible ultrasound where the doctor offered us the option to terminate), bryan was checking email that night and listened to a new song by Switchfoot (his favorite band), called “Let It Happen”–“tomorrow holds what tomorrow holds, can’t make it get here faster”. Last week, listening to a talk from the 22q family foundation, their keynote speaker (a successful news reporter who has 22q), in response to a random question about his father’s death, said he had to “let it happen.” and then today, when my friend told me the same thing, I just broke down.

Research is helpful and comforting to an extent–I’m informed, I know what to ask, I’m less scared of the unknown. But research won’t help me control this situation–I can’t stop this from happening. I need to accept help when people offer it–this isn’t something I can deal with by myself.

Underneath all of it, I have been truly believing that she is going to die. Or worse–live a little while, a short life of suffering, then die. I haven’t let myself believe that she might live. That I could bring that baby girl home.

The week of the diagnosis, I put all the hand-me-down baby girl clothes in her drawer, to try to make myself hope. But I saw we had only 3 newborn sleepers and thought “what’s the use, she’ll never wear them.” I can’t go through the rest of this pregnancy, with this little baby kicking in my womb, completely believing that she isn’t going to live. I need to buy this baby some clothes, and decorate her nursery, and not think about her like she is already gone because she isn’t.

(and here’s Bryan’s cover of Let It Happen)

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