7 weeks out

Somehow it has been 12 weeks since we received Kit’s diagnosis. No one can prepare you for the emotions you’ll experience with a diagnosis like that–so unexpected, a random chance defect. The first few months I was convinced that she is going to die, but I’ve slowly moved to a position of hope, because I think I need to be hopeful to be able to be there for her like I will need to be when she’s born.

Planning for Kit to live has meant nesting like I nest for all my babies–long to-do lists, organizing, spring cleaning. Except the to-do lists include things like “contact the California surgeons” and “get anesthesiology your records!”.

Finally the weather has become a little warmer and we are spending more time outside, slowly finishing up our last month of homeschool. I find myself savoring these moments with the children more than ever–Kit safe inside my womb, comfortable and growing, the kids happy and playing in the yard. I’m uncomfortable and larger than I would be due to polyhydramnios, but I don’t feel impatient for these 7 weeks to fly by–I wish I could see ahead to what lies after them, but I’m happy to have these days of “normal”.

I feel less frantic now though, more peace about the situation. I know she could die, either immediately or with one of her many necessary interventions, but I’ve settled in my heart that even though this horrible defect does not seem like the best plan for Kit or for us as her family, it IS God’s plan for us, and I need to be submissive to it. Maybe that’s part of what that verse means when it says God has planned out your good works ahead of time–that we just need to keep having faith, even now.

If you pray for us, please pray that she doesn’t come until she’s due, for a safe labor and delivery, and for her to be strong when she is born.

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